Reasons not to give up...

If you've read this blog at all recently, you'll have heard about my PhD Apocalypse.  Now that I can officially be classed as a 'survivor', I thought I should maybe invest some time into thinking how I could manage the situation if it were to ever arise again.  (PhD, if you're listening, don't you dare...)

One of the things I did was to create a list of reasons not to give up my PhD.  Currently, I have no desire to do so, but in the darkest days of apocalypse, it was sometimes all I could think about.  I wrestled with myself.  I really didn't want to go on, I couldn't face it, I couldn't bear it.  And yet, I didn't really want to give up either.

I persevered, but I felt I needed to revisit this desire to quit.  It was so strong, that I felt I needed a contingency plan.  A reminder of why quitting would be a bad idea.  So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my reasons not to quit:

Now first off, you might have noticed I coloured it in.  And I'm going to take a teeny weeny tangent to say that yes, yes I did.  Colouring in is therapeutic.  It makes you focus.  There's a reason classrooms full of primary school children sit and do it.  It can also make a scary thing less scary.  (Crayola FTW!)

It's also true that most of these reasons are trivial.  For example, "So that we'll be called 'Mr and Dr' and it will sound funny..." but to be completely honest, sometimes I think it's the little things that get you through.  Telling myself on a daily basis that I need to keep going because this is how I'm planning on providing for my family and future children kind of adds on the pressure, if you know what I'm saying.  The thought of going abroad with my work or graduating as Dr Katy Inglis (or Dr Katy Mitchell, if we get married first), are more tangible and exciting rather than scary.

Making this list started out as a joke.  It was a kind of funny way to deal with a bad situation.  But now I have my list on my wall, I wouldn't be without it.  In fact, I'm trying to come up with reasons for a second one.  Because when all you can think about is quitting and you look up and see a brightly coloured list full of reasons not to, you feel better.

So, fellow PhDers, future PhDers, academics and people in general everywhere, I put it to you, what would be on your list?  I'm advocating that you all make one.  I want to see pictures of reasons not to give up from universities all over the world!  

...

Ok so maybe that's getting a bit crazy, but really, make one.  Because I can guarantee you that when you're feeling like you can't make it through one more single day of your PhD, this will help.  And if it doesn't, come speak to me and I'll try to help :)

Once more unto the breach, dear friends

First of all, please let me wish you a happy new year!  I hope you've had a lovely holiday and that 2013 brings you many good things.  As you can see, I am now back to work and currently ensconced in my office.  I thought it high time for another post...

The last time I wrote, I was sufferring from my affectionately named 'PhD Apocalypse'.  My mental state had started to improve a little, but I still had a long way to go.  Now I am, officially, on the other side, I wanted to talk a little about how I found my way back.  It was a long road!

This might be a bit too airy fairy for some of you (believe, I surprised myself with this thinking - airy fairy I am not) but I really felt I was out of balance.  The whole thing had thrown me completely out of kilter and I needed to spend some time righting things.  I spent a lot of 'quiet' time over the holidays.  Winter holidays are usually a really big, busy family time for us, but this year we spent it quietly, just the two of us.  I spent a lot of days just reading or sewing.  The latter in particular I find very helpful when I'm stressed, because you have to focus on counting stitches and pay attention to the pattern, so there isn't time to think about other things.

Doing this for a while made me start to feel better.  I was still very tired (I think this was partly emotional, but also because here in Scotland at the darkest point in winter the sun's only up for about five hours), and I slept a lot.  My days didn't really have a routine so they sometimes blurred into one another.  Usually I find this unsettling but it seemed to help.

In the middle of last week, I noticed a change.  I hadn't been thinking about uni - on purpose or by accident I couldn't tell you - but I started to feel the urge to gear myself up and prepare for going back.  I spring cleaned the house.  I bought supplies.  (Read: colouring pencils).  I just started generally clearing things and tidying up.  There seemed a definite "It's time to put your house in order so it's done before things get busy" emphasis to my actions, even though it seemed like this motivation had come from somewhere else.

In the end, I turned up back to uni without really having thought about it.  Before Christmas, I was prepared for a real big ordeal when it was time to come back and I actively dreaded it.  But really, it's been fine.  In some ways, it feels like I've never been away.  (Though that's maybe just a bit sad).

I know I face a storm of busyness in the days to come, but I'm facing it with a calm head now.  I feel prepared and ready for it.  Most importantly, I feel like I've restored that balance.  I've pulled myself back a bit and reminded myself there is more to life than my PhD.  I think it helps that I've now also given myself a deadline.  When you have "a few years" to do a PhD, it's easy to be complacent, to put things off until tomorrow.  I only get paid until August 2014, but that's not quite enough motivation.  However, the Boy and I have (just about) booked our wedding date (we will be booking on the 2nd of Feb).  We're getting married early November 2014.  I must have my PhD finished and handed in before then because I don't want it hanging over my head on our wedding day.  

The combination of taking time out, refocusing and giving myself a definite time frame seems to help.  I'm almost eager for the busy rush of 2013, in which I hope to complete all my testing - so that I can finish on time.  

I do feel like I've overcome something monumental, even though objectively I realise it shouldn't have mattered that much.  Regardless, I've learned a lot from it.  I do believe this is the turning point.  I feel like I'm coming round the bend to the home straight now. 

The race is on.