A PhD: Is this the cost of your mental health?

Before you read this post I want you to think about the PhD students you know.  Think about the post-docs.  Think about those you consider your peers in the academic world.  Think about yourself and how you relate to them.  

What does that picture look like?

For many, they see themselves as an outsider.  As inferior - intellectually or otherwise - or as uncomfortably different.  For some people, this may be a fleeting bout of Impostor Syndrome, which passes once they regain their confidence.  But for other people, these comparisons and the negative self-image which results has a much more worrying, deep-rooted cause.

The rate of mental health problems in the PhD-student and academic community at large is a silent behemoth.  As a small introduction to this idea, there are two excellent pieces by the Guardian that describe the problem.  In a blog post on the Guardian website, an anonymous academic documented the culture of acceptance around mental health problems, where they describe the following:

"Among the people I do know who have done PhDs, I have seen depression, sleep issues, eating disorders, alcoholism, self-harming, and suicide attempts. I have seen how issues with mental health can go on to affect physical health. During my PhD I noticed changes to my skin, and changes in my menstrual cycle which persist to this day."

I can echo the author's observations, and that's what worries me.  Having previously been treated for depression as a teenager, I thought I would be alert to the symptoms should they re-emerge, but it took a long time before I realised my feelings weren't 'normal'.  I was constantly exhausted.  Some days the thought of getting out of bed reduced me to tears.  I would drag my feet all the way to my office, only to sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for hours without actually doing anything.  I stopped keeping up with friends, I stopped interacting much at all.  I felt like a robot.  I started drinking more.  I would go through cycles of binge eating then eating nothing for as long as I could.  I hated my life, and hated myself for feeling that way, because I had so much to be grateful for.

In short, I was suffering from pretty bad depression.  I got an appointment with my GP and got put on fluoxetine - an anti-depressant - immediately.  After eight weeks of still not feeling much better, I was upped to a medium dose and I finally stabilised.  Throughout this process I was very open with my supervisor, who was very supportive, and I took some time off to recuperate.

I feel like one of the lucky ones.  The anonymous academic goes on to describe some awful experiences of other students with mental health problems:

"I have seen students asking:

"How do I tell myself that it's OK to take time for me?"
"Have I worked so hard that illness has become normal?"
"How can I recover my relationships with my friends and family?"

Despite this, I see students and academics who view the researcher development service as unnecessary. I see students who imagine using our services as an "admission of defeat". To come to us, is to announce that you are not a perfect researcher. I see students ashamed to admit to their peers that they had come to any of our sessions, let alone found them useful.

I see students forcibly removed from our sessions by their supervisors. I see leading academics decline to advertise our services, for fear that people will use them. I see students who feel like it is not OK to admit that they are not OK. And this is not OK."

It is this culture of acceptance that concerns me.  I have heard fellow students and other academics describe working all day in their office, then all evening and each weekend, as if this were a totally normal work-life balance.  I have heard others discuss how they feel exhausted and tearful all the time, but that they feel this is the expected cost of doing their best - because they belief if they are not working themselves to the brink of self-destruction they are not working hard enough.

Now I want to make it clear that no one has ever told us that this is what is expected of us.  But I think it links back to what I described at the beginning - how we feel we compare to our peers.  Most people who are successful in getting a PhD studentship were big fish in the undergraduate pond.  But everyone at PhD level was a big fish, and you can't all be the best.  Suddenly you are adjusting to working alongside people who seem light-years ahead of you on the IQ scale, and it can shift your view of the world upside down.  To try and combat the insecurity we push ourselves to work harder and harder.  And no one can burn the candle at both ends forever.

What I want you to know is that it is okay to be struggling.  I was on anti-depressants for 18 months and that didn't stop me getting my PhD, or getting work afterwards.  I was open with my supervisor about my mental health problems, and he was great - I got lots of support.  If you're struggling, please reach out.  Please don't suffer in silence. 

You are not alone.

If you think you might be suffering from a mental health problem, seek advice from your GP as soon as you can.  I've included links for symptom checkers below, as well as the contact details for a number of help-lines.  Remember, if you or someone you know is at immediate risk of committing suicide, call 999.

There are lots of people out there who get through their PhD without any ill-effects, and many who suffer illnesses during their studentship to recover fully (myself among them).  1 in 3 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem in their lifetime, so if you find yourself feeling unwell, you are not being silly or over-reacting, you just need a little support to get yourself on your way.  If, as a PhD student, a friend let their diabetes or epilepsy go untreated, you wouldn't stand for it - you'd usher them to the GP and support them to get help.  Mental health problems are no different.

If you think you might be suffering from a mental health issue, or are looking for support, please check some of the links below.  Remember that your University will have student services that can offer counselling and other mental health advice, and their services are tailored to those going through higher education.

• Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90 or jo@samaritans.org
• Breathing Space - 0800 83 85 87
• NHS 24 - 111 (call 999 if you or someone you know is at immediate risk of suicide)
• BEAT - 0845 634 1414
• NHS Moodzone - http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/low-mood-stress-anxiety.aspx

More information about:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• OCD
• Eating Disorders

10 Things I Learned While Writing my Thesis

When you’re in the midst of data collection or networking at your first international conference, it’s easy to forget that the end point of a PhD is a giant thesis.  Unless you have previously completed a doctorate in another subject, your thesis will most likely be the largest body of work you will ever complete in one go.  (Note: applied doctorates are little different, but the following list still applies!)  Despite this, it’s something many people – including me – don’t really think about until suddenly your data are collected, your results analysed, and all that’s left is a large volume of writing waiting to be done. 

It’s at this point that it can be tempting to panic.  But take a breath, read this list, and get ready to tackle this mountain and SMASH it.

1.  You have actually already started.

From what I understand, any university in the UK requires you to submit a body of work in your first year; this may take the form of a literature review/systematic analysis or a journal-style write up.  If, like me, you’re not returning to this until your third year your writing will have improved since this point so it will need an overhaul, but the key point is that the information is already there. I wrote a literature review chapter for my first year submission, and in hindsight I’d strongly advise it.  It meant I spent a lot of time immersed in the literature that would later inform my work, and formed a large part of my Introduction chapter.  If you’re past this point, don’t worry about it – any journal-style submissions you’ve done include some literature review, and can provide a basis for an experimental chapter.  Whichever option you chose, you’ve written something that will be incorporated into your final thesis.  So get rid of those blank-page woes!

2.  Find out which rules apply to your writing.

Before you start writing, look up your university’s procedure for formatting doctoral theses.  There will be rules, so make sure you adhere to them.  For example, the University of Dundee’s theses formatting guidelines can be found here.  Your guidelines might specify margins, spacing, fonts, headings, the use of images (not figures – pictures) or Appendices.  Similarly, you need to look at guidelines for whatever referencing system you operate within.  My PhD was in Psychology, and there are very specific guidelines produced by the American Psychological Association (APA) on style both of references and of headings, subheadings, and table/figure headings. 

Sometimes rules can be a surprise – for example I had to submit my thesis printed only single-sided.  A waste of paper perhaps, but that’s the way it is.  But there were also set margins I needed to use, and if I hadn’t applied these to my document early, it could have really messed up my formatting later.

3.  Make a template.

You can create templates for documents in Microsoft Word that allow you to use the same set-up every time you set up a new document.  I used this excellent guide from the University of Reading (http://www.reading.ac.uk/web/files/its/Thesis1_07.pdf).  I would advise against using preset guides, unless you can be 100% sure they serve all your needs.  The template was invaluable for me.  I created each chapter as a separate document so that I could send my supervisor bits at a time without it becoming difficult to navigate, and it meant that I knew each chapter was formatted correctly so they could just be copied and pasted into a master thesis document.  (Doesn’t that sound grand?)

4.  Pay attention to small details.

I cannot stress this enough.  If you have ever marked undergraduate work and bemoaned the lack of appropriate citations or the poor grammar, you will know how disheartening it is to read a piece of work that has clearly been rushed.  You must not do this!  You might well be thinking ‘Well this is a PhD thesis, of course I can’t rush it!  It’s too long to rush!’ but you’d be wrong.  Sure, writing 85,000 words or thereabouts isn’t done in a day, but you will be amazed when you are against the wire how quickly you can get words on paper. 

It’s tempting to skip proper formatting of references, assuring yourself you’ll come back to it later, or not bother with getting your figure headings right at the time of writing, saving it for editing, but all you are doing is giving yourself a giant headache for later.  Trust me, when you get to the point of proof-reading and editing, you do not want to be searching for that one paragraph you said you’d adjust later but didn’t highlight because you were sure you’d be able to find it.  Get it right first time.  Then your editing is much more simple: looking for typos, compiling contents pages, and proof-reading.  I did it this way, and I was still hugely stressed.  I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if I had to amend figure headings to APA format and scour for missed references along the way.

5. Plan it out.

You don’t have to plan every paragraph, but blocking out a rough idea of how many words you’re writing per chapter can help you create a timeline to completion, and give you a guide to setting writing goals.  As a really general example, if you estimate your thesis is going to be 80,000 words and you have written absolutely nothing, and you plan on writing 1,000 words per day, you’d need 80 days to write a complete first draft of your thesis.  That gives you a starting point.  You need to add in days off (if you are taking them), time for your supervisor to review chapters, days for redrafting, days for compiling contents pages, days for proof-reading.  But when you break it down into these little sections it’s much easier to approach.  I’d recommend creating a gantt chart to plan out getting it done.

6.  Set targets, and stick to them.

After you’ve planned out a time line for completing your first draft, set yourself strict targets on what you want to achieve each day.  It might be to write 1000 words, or to edit a section of your work, or to re-do a certain analysis.  Whatever it is, make your goal for each day very clear.  Once you’ve met your goal, finish up!  If you’ve written your 1000 words faster than you expected, don’t try and give yourself a head start on the next day’s task.  Take your well-earned break.  This is essential for avoiding burn out.

7.  Allow much more time than you think you need.

Point 5 is important, but don’t be precious about your plans – be prepared to adjust them because you can be sure life will throw things at you that you haven’t anticipated.  It might be an illness, a family emergency, a housing problem, a pet problem, a computer failure – life is inventive in its curve-balls.  When these things happen, deal with them.  LIFE COMES FIRST.  Set aside your writing without guilt, take the time you need to deal with the situation, then pick up where you left off.  If you begin your write up with this attitude, when a delay inevitably happens it won’t feel like the end of the world, it will just be something you contingency-planned for, and you can deal with it.

8.  Be kind to yourself.

Some days no matter what you try, it just isn’t happening.  You’ve been at your computer since 8am and you’ve written the same sentence 100 different ways, but never got any further.  Your word count for the day?  68 words.  It happens, to everyone.  If you’ve been in this situation for hours, try and take a step back and evaluate what the problem is.  Are you unfamiliar with this topic?  Are you spending more time reading things than writing?  Are you ill?  Are you tired?  Is everything you need there but the words just won’t come out? 

Each situation requires a slightly different approach.  If you’ve spent the last five hours reading up on a topic, that’s still a productive day, just in a different way from what you’d planned.  Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and give yourself a well-deserved break.  If you’re procrastinating, you need to take a long hard look at why.  Generally, I find a quick count of days until hand-in gets me going.  But, if you’re in one of those days where no matter what you try the words just aren’t coming, sometimes it’s far better to just step away and return to the task tomorrow.  (This is why I included point 7).  Forcing yourself to sit at a computer for hours when you are getting nowhere is not only demoralising, it’s tiring, and is a major contributory factor to burnout.  Avoid it wherever possible.

9.  Reward yourself.

It depends how you like to break it up, but make sure you’re giving yourself rewards at regular intervals.  For me, I had a mix of goals including word-count benchmarks and chapter benchmarks.  The science behind positive reinforcement is well-established.  Apply it to yourself.  You’ve never worked harder, so you’ve never deserved those rewards more!

10.  Keep your chapters/abstract etc. separate.

This is a slightly weird thing to have last, but you’ll see why in a minute.  Like I said earlier, I wrote all my chapters in separate documents.  My contents pages were separate, as was my abstract, my declaration and my acknowledgements.  This is handy for getting your supervisor to review things, but it also has one super bonus to reward yourself with.

There is nothing like creating a new document, and slowly copying and pasting each part of your thesis into the document.  Title page, contents headers, acknowledgements, declaration, abstract, chapters.  In a day, you produce a giant document and you finally see all your hard work come together.  Sure, you’re going to edit it, and you’re going to adjust your contents pages, and you’ll have to number it all, but that moment when you see Word tick up your word and page count and you realise, finally, you’ve made a thesis, is one of the best feelings in the world.  You see it there before you and you can’t resist showing it off.  (I carried my laptop around making everyone look at my impressive word count and insisted on praise and congratulations).

Seldom in your PhD journey will you get a moment like this – don’t deprive yourself of it, because it’s amazing.

I'm back!

After an incredibly long absence, I’m back to being able to write more regularly.  I want to thank all of you who have continued to check in with my blog and Facebook page while I’ve been away, and welcome to everyone who has newly ‘liked’ said page.  I’ve had some lovely messages in the last year; some people who have found previous posts helpful, and some who have sought advice.  I really love hearing from you, so please keep getting in touch!  But make sure to check out my updated contact information.

Before I start posting about all the PhD things I’ve learned in the last year, and would like to share, I thought first I’d give you an overview of what I’ve been doing since my last post.

We moved to the Isle of Mull on the west coast of Scotland, and stayed for four months while my other half worked on an estate there as groundskeeper.  It was beautiful and an incredible experience, though one that taught us while we love country-living if you need to get on a boat to get to Tesco, it’s too remote.

  

I made some decisions about my career, and decided that academia is not for me.  Instead, I’m going to return to my previous path of Clinical Psychology.  I got a full time job as an Assistant Psychologist, and I now work for NHS Borders.

We got married! 

I submitted my thesis, and I passed my viva voce with minor corrections, which are now submitted.

As you can see, it’s been a really busy year!  However, the upside is that I now have lots of great things to write about and to share with you.  So keep your eyes peeled for posts coming soon about:

• ·         10 things I learned while writing up my thesis
• ·         Dealing with final-year PhD stress
• ·         A PhD and your mental health
• ·         Balancing work and your PhD
• ·         A real-life account of the viva examination
• ·         Finishing, or not-quite-yet-finishing, your PhD
• ·         Corrections: get it done!

Hopefully these posts will answer some of the questions you might have about some or all of these topics, but I’m also open to suggestions for anything you might like me to write about.  I’m considering doing an FAQ post, so if you have questions you’d like answered, add them in the comments, or let me know on the Facebook page!