Surviving the PhD Apocalypse

In my last post, I wrote about how I'd experienced the worst, lowest point of my PhD.  I'm calling it my PhD Apocalypse.  Partly because that feels like an adequate description of the devastation I felt when I lost everything, but partly because it's currently relevant and sounds cool.

As you might have guessed from the return of my slightly weird sense of humour, I am feeling a little bit better about the whole thing.  Not completely better, but a little bit.  And I felt that it was important to tell you how I got here, because I know damn well that I am not the first person to go through this and nor will I be the last.  So I hope that in some way, this might be useful for someone out there.  If nothing else, it can serve as a reminder that I can get through the hard times.

First of all, I really did spend about two weeks wallowing.  My PhD apocalypse pervaded my whole life.  I was very depressed.  I didn't want to get out of bed - some days I didn't - I didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone.  I just wanted the whole world to go away.  I think I only actually cried once.  The rest of the time, I was in this sort of depressed stupor.  I was miserable.  

I don't really know if there was another alternative to that.  I felt like I had physically lost a part of myself.  I had to grieve.  And there was a part of me then - and now - that is slightly scared about how deeply this affected me.  At the end of the day, this is just a PhD, but it still made me completely bottom out. 

This is the really important part.

Eventually, time passes.  You sleep a lot, you get a little distance.  But the most important thing I did to start feeling better was to tell people just how miserable I was.  You see, I'm a coper.  I'm a smile-and-get-on-with-it sort of person.  So although I'd told people what had happened, they didn't realise how much it had been affecting me.  This led to me feeling like no one cared, which led to more vicious cycles of MEH.  However, once I told people just how bad I was feeling they really rallied around.  There's nothing anyone could do, but they were there for me, patient with my bad moods and just really supportive.  They made all the difference.
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So if you find yourself in the same situation, Step One is tell people and ask for their support!

Step Two is a lot easier and more fun.  It is: Take time off and do fun stuff!

I'm fortunate (in however a twisted way that is) that this happened at the end of the semester.  If it had happened during the middle of term, I would've lost my chance to recollect the data for six months.  Being close to the end of term meant I'm also finished teaching, so I don't have that to worry about, and it's nearly the holidays.
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I decided to start mine a little early.  I took time off just to get my head back on straight.  I slept lots, saw friends, played computer games, read two books in a day, wrote, sewed, coloured in and baked cookies.  Slowly, these things restored me to myself.  They reminded me that I have a life outside my PhD.  Doing that also highlighted just how narrow my focus had become - I'd been so all-consumed with my PhD for so long, it felt bizarre doing other things.

I can't stress enough how important I think this time away is.  I'm still doing it, although I'm in the office today and will be tomorrow and Friday.  I still wince and shy away from talking about my PhD in any context (though I'm being brave today for a meeting with my supervisor).  But allowing myself this time away, this time to relax, unwind and forget about it all, is restoring my sense of purpose and just general happiness!  I know that it will allow me to come back in January, raring to go, sharply focused and determined.  

The biggest lesson I can give you from my experience is that time off isn't always a bad thing.  Sometimes you just need it.

And with that sentiment, I also want to wish you happiness for the holidays.  I'll be back to blogging - and more regularly - in the new year.  So here's to surviving the real (not-true) apocalypse, and have a very merry Christmas.  All the best for 2013.

See you on the other side!  

Dealing with Disaster

I'd like to clarify at the outset that I'm aware what I'm about to describe doesn't really fall under the same 'disaster' category as natural disasters or pandemics or anything like that.  But to a PhD student, it's still a pretty big ****ing disaster.

In May of this year, I wrote about the first blow to my research that I'd experienced.  To be honest, when I went searching for that post to link it here, I'd thought it was written a lot earlier in my first year.  Nonetheless, there it was.  I was depressed, fed up and frustrated.

I have recently discovered that that was a cake walk compared to what I'm experiencing now.

I'm not going to go into details because there isn't really much point, but I'll give you a summary just to clarify I've not gone mad.  The study I'm running at the moments requires participants to return once a week for three consecutive weeks.  They can't miss a session, because if they do I can't use their data.  It's taken a long time to set up and even longer to execute.  Last week though, one of the mobile eye trackers broke.  This wouldn't usually be a problem - I could just use the other one - but for this experiment I need to use both trackers simultaneously.  I was halfway through testing.  It basically means anyone who I'd started to test had to have the rest of their sessions cancelled and anyone who hadn't tested yet didn't even get off the ground.  There is no more time to schedule before the end of term and the eye tracker still isn't fixed yet anyway.  You're just going to have to trust me that we've tried everything, and there's no possible solution to this other than to retest in the new semester.

Basically, what this means is that the data collection and analysis I was on track for completing by the end of December, is now looking at completion by the end of March.  I've lost three months.

Really, I know that this just means I need to grin and bear it and get ready for a very busy semester after Christmas.  I'll be running both my studies at once and teaching as well.  I know it's not the end of the world or the end of my PhD.  I know all that, but it still feels awful right now.

When I found out I was going to lose all these data on Friday, I know that if this was just a job, I would've left.  I couldn't have hacked it.  Over the weekend I tried to forget about it, but it's Monday morning and I still would quite like to just hulk out and destroy my office, tear up my PhD work so far and quit completely.  It's fortunate my supervisor is off today, because otherwise I would've had to email him to explain I didn't feel up to a meeting this week because there's no way I can put how I'm feeling about the PhD as a whole politely just now.

There might be some of you out there who think I'm over-reacting or that I'm taking my PhD too seriously.  I've had that sort of comment before.  But the thing is, this is my life right now.  I am depending on this, it is my income, my day-to-day existence, it's the thing that keeps me up at night.  I hate to admit it but whenever someone told me "Oh the second year blues will hit at some point" I honestly thought I'd be one of the lucky ones who escape it.  

Apparently not.

Right now, it's a daily battle to not just give up.  To be honest, today it's even an hourly battle.  I am trying just to get myself through to the Christmas holidays so I can take some time completely away from everything.  Just now that seems a scarily long way away, with so many days in the office to endure first, but what can you do?  I know this will pass too, but right now, I am just hoping nothing else pushes me because I'm really not in a good place.

So, welcome to the Second Year Blues, PhD-blog readers.  Hopefully I'll be able to tell you how we get out of here soon.

Busy Girl is Long-Term Planning

So no, this post isn't about cats, but I love a good cat picture at the best of times, so sssh.

A little while ago, I was lamenting that I was in the lull between getting ethics approval and actually being able to test.  That lull is now over!  

This is good because it means I have lots to do.  Mondays and Fridays are completely taken up with testing.  Midweek is time for office hours for students, teaching (last class of the semester was given on Friday), getting materials ready for the next experiment, ethics, etc. etc.

In general, that means I'm knackered!  Because, of course, I have a life as well.  (Sometimes).  Add in regular gym sessions, taekwondo training, sewing a giant picture for my gran's 80th which has already taken a few months and is no where near finished, seeing friends, wedding planning, seeing family and just running a house, I have had no time!  Which is why I haven't blogged recently, sorry.

What I'm also doing at the moment is trying to plan for what work I'll do now, and what work I'll do later.  My testing is due to finish (with the exception of two participants) on the 30th of November.  Semester finishes on the 14th of December.  So really, I've got two weeks in there before I can take some well-earned time off.

Without going too much into the mechanics of collecting real world vision data and the challenges it presents, basically you spend lots of time collecting data, then you have to spend lots of time turning that into videos, which you then code on a frame-by-frame basis.  Making videos is scheduled for the beginning of December, in addition to possibly starting coding.  It's also the time for building the next experiment so it's ready to run in January.

Needless to say though, I am now really, really, really looking forward to holidays.  I'll be back in uni from early January before semester starts to get things prepared, but I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks where I can catch up on sleep and not think about work.  It'll be amazing.  

I'll be pretty busy until then, but I promise a much better post for you next time!

10 Tips for a New PhD Student

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked by one of the new PhD students here at Dundee for tips on how to make the most of your first year.  It gave me an idea for a post, which I haven't had time to write until now.  I'll begin with a disclaimer that this is not likely to be the same as conventional advice you get in a handbook or textbook!

So, you're a new PhD student.  First and foremost, congratulations!  You've made it through a strict screening process (either by interview, funding application, degree results or a mixture of all three) and you're now on your way to earning the pinnacle of academic qualification - a doctorate.  Yey!  You're enthusiastic, maybe a bit nervous and wondering where on earth to start.  Well worry not my friend, here's some advice from one PhD student to another on how to negiotiate that first year.

1.  Become familiar with your surroundings

You might be doing your PhD at the university you did your undergraduate or masters at.  It doesn't matter - the landscape as a PhD student is a world away from what you've experienced before.  If you're lucky, you'll have an office, or at least a dedicated workspace.  You might be teaching too.  Get used to the building.  You now have free access - those 'Staff Only' areas?  They're for you now too!  There's nothing worse than feeling like a teenager again getting lost on their first day of school.  Take the time when no one's expecting too much of you to learn your way around.
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Note that this includes things like: Where's the closest toilet to my office?  Where is the nearest source of coffee?  Where are the technicians and secretaries?  Where is my supervisor's office?  Is there a students-only room?  Where is my lab space?  Don't underestimate the importance of this knowledge!

2.  A pretty office is a happy office is a productive office

I don't know you, but I'm sure you're lovely.  Maybe you're a hardcore 9-5'er, maybe you view your studies in a more holistic sense or maybe you're a deadline adrenaline junkie.  Whoever you are, I can guarantee you that a pretty office is a happy office.  For example, this is my office:

 

Do you know what people say when they come into my office?  They say "Oh my god it's so nice in here!  I feel relaxed already!  This is amazing!  Will you come decorate my office?"

I'm not just trying to show off my office here (though it is lovely, isn't it?), my point is that having an environment where you feel relaxed and calm and happy does no end of good for your wellbeing and productivity.  If your office is grey and bleak and you stare at a blank wall, you're not going to want to be there.  Get creative with lamps, postcards, photos, whatever.  Just make it your own and be happy :)

3.  Bring the technicians and the secretaries cookies

In my School, we have one technician who is like the secret boss.  He allocates offices, he'll help you if you fry your computer or desperately need new equipment and so on.  The secretaries run this place.  They know everything and are absolutely lovely, and know just the right person to talk to if you're having a problem.

Too many people are rude, abrupt or just generally inconsiderate of these staff members.  Do you know what - break that trend and stop it right now.  These people are wonderful and will probably be as much (if not more) help to you as your supervisor.  Be nice, bring cookies or cake, show them how lovely you are.

4.  Go forth and socialise 

That's right, I'm giving you permission to go out there and drink or go for meals or spend your money.  In all seriousness, I know there are a lot of new students who might be shy, in a new city and a bit overwhelmed, you might not have much money and don't know how to break the ice with the existing PhDs and post-docs who seem to have everything sorted.

I'll let you in on a secret: they have nothing sorted.  I promise.

Getting to know your colleagues is one of the most valuable things you can do in your whole time at uni.  Some of them might be in your lab so you might be going to conferences with them, having regular meetings with them or even collaborating with them in the future.  Even if the others aren't in your lab though - these are the people who are going to keep you sane.  They are the people who'll understand what it's like to simultaneously want to kill your PhD and love it.  I can guarantee you that they'll get it much better than a partner, parent or sibling (unless they are also doing/have done a PhD).  

These people will be your friends, your support network.  And if you take the time to get to know them, when you graduate for the last time, you'll be leaving not just with a Dr title, but with some very close friends.  Don't waste the opportunity.

5. Find out what events your School runs

In our department, we have a few things all students at postgraduate level and above, and all staff are free to attend.  These include talks by invited speakers, workshops, internal seminars, postgraduate seminars, pub night (yes, pub night), and various parties.  You should be able to get this information from your supervisor, or if not, try those helpful existing PhD students.

Think of this as an expansion on point four.  These events are opportunities to get to know staff as well as students.  Regardless of where you studied before, I imagine there was always a divide between you and the staff.  Well, they still know more than you, but now they're happy to go for a drink or for coffee with you.  Make friends.  :)

6.  Expect your question to change

If you started your PhD with a particular topic or question in your application, don't expect your final thesis to answer the same one.  (This excludes any PhD students who signed up for a particular project; though your approach will probably evolve over the course of your PhD).

As you learn more, read more, do one experiment that goes horribly wrong, you'll find out what really interests you.  Answer that question instead.  It'll make a better researcher out of you - it happened to me.

7.  WATCH YOUR MONEY!

If you are very lucky, you might be getting paid a stipend to do your PhD.  For example, I'm on a School-funded studentship, for which I do teaching and/or marking, and in return the School pays my fees and gives me a stipend of £13k (tax free) for three years.

If you're anything like me, that sort of money is more than you've ever had in your entire life.  Guess what?  You're not suddenly rich!  I was in a huge amount of debt from working in jobs that didn't even cover my outgoings, never mind food and so on, so I had a maxed out overdraft and two maxed out creditc cards.  Now, I'm in a big amount of debt.  I've got one credit card paid off, but I still have to be careful.  It's so easy to go "YEEEEESSS!!  MONEY!" and blow it all.  I know you'll probably do this at least once, but just be careful, ok?

You can also make use of various benefits being a student has.  If you live in the UK, students do not have to pay council tax.  Get a letter from your Registry that confirms your student status and your start and finish dates, and take that to the council.  They'll refund you anything you've paid, and you won't have to pay for the duration of your study.  You're also eligible for a student account with most of the big banks.  I had a student account with RBS as an undergraduate, which was converted to a graduate account when I finished.  Now I'm a student again, it's back to a student account, and I'll get another two graduate years when I'm done.  That means I'll have had 10 years of an interest free overdraft.  Oh yeah.

Oh, and one other thing - you're now entitled, once again, to the holy grail that is student discount.  USE IT.

8.  When you start collecting papers, save them properly

Ok, so I know this seems quite minor, but trust me, very quickly you're going to have hundreds of PDFs.  Currently, I have 354.  Imagine how awful it'd be to navigate them if they were all saved 0459r5.pdf.  I save each one by author name, publication year, and a couple of key words of what the paper's about.  

You should also definitely consider getting Dropbox.  It's completely free, you can get extra space just by inviting friends, registering your uni email address, adding it to Twitter etc.  It means your papers are all backed up so you shouldn't lose any.  Mine are saved on Dropbox and a portable hard drive.

Look into reference management software like Mendeley (which is free).  You won't be responsible for killing lots of trees, and it even does your referencing for you!  Score.

9.  Do one big piece of work in your first year and aim to make it something publishable

Some schools will require you to do a piece of work in your first year as part of your conversion, which may be either an experimental report or a literature review.  Either way, these are designed to be a draft for (at least) one chapter of your thesis.

Now, I don't want you to worry to much about it, but it is really a valuable thing to do.  Start early, plan well and allow way more time than you think you'll need.  It's only been by doing this that I finally feel confident in my own knowledge and abilities.  Remember, it's not meant to be perfect.  It's a tool to get you started on your career as a researcher.

10.  STOP WORRYING.  YOU ARE DOING FINE, I PROMISE.

If you're not already, there are going to be points during your PhD where you panic uncontrollably that you are not good enough, that you're going to fail, that you've somehow tricked everyone into thinking you're clever and that they're going to kick you out any minute.

Stop it.  Right now.

It is perfectly normal to feel this way.  In fact, it's called Imposter Syndrome.  I will promise you everything I own that every single PhD student has felt this way at least once.  Take a deep breath.  Stop comparing yourself to other people.  You are all brilliant.  One guy might be drafting publications, one girl might have sh*tloads of data already.  IT DOESN'T MATTER.  You're all going to get there.  

You can do this.  If you're stressing out, go talk to your new friends, or your supervisor, your dog or your cat.  Don't bottle it up.  It's ok to worry, but don't let it get in the way - the fact that you're a new PhD student at all means that you've already got all the skills you need to complete the PhD.  You just need to prove it to yourself.

Have faith.  I know you've got this.  Stop panicking.  Go drink some beer with your new pals, eat some chocolate and enjoy the extra money.  You've embarked on one of the best things you'll ever do in your whole life.  I can honestly tell you I'm happier now that I've ever been.  I have a really great group of friends, I'm challenged on a daily basis and I love it all, even the crap bits.  Be open to the experience.  Enjoy it.  You're only going to get to do this once.  (Unless you're a genius who's going to do two PhDs).  Make the most of it.

Good luck!

Limbo

Now that my conversion is completed and my literature review done, my focus is shifting to collecting data.  Given that I have three years in total to complete my PhD (and one is already gone), I'm allowing approximately 18 months to collect all my data, leaving 6 to write up.

Ambitious?  Yes.  Realistic?  Possibly.

Feasibly, if everything went as expected, collecting my data in 18 months would be a doddle.  But therein lies the problem.  In research, nother ever goes as expected.  Ever.  There's an often repeated saying (in our department at least, though I'm sure it must exist everywhere people have to do research) "This would be great if only I didn't have to use participants."

Why? 

Participants are often the number one problem.  I have to frequently remind myself that to everyone else, my research is completely unimportant.  For participants, it's not a big deal if they don't turn up - they can reschedule or sign up for another experiment.  For me, it means an hour of wasted time, lab space gone to waste when someone else could have used it, and a real delay in me actually being able to do anything.

You see, now that I've nothing tangible to work on and because I've not yet got any data to code or to analyse, I'm just waiting.  My job just now is to collect data, but I can't get the participants.  Until I have participants, I have no data, ergo I have no real focus for each day.

Of course, there are always things to do.  I'm trying to get a second experiment prepared and ready to go, because it's slightly easier to run.  It'll go alongside the one I'm currently trying to recruit for.  I'm polishing up ethics and getting the materials made.  But that's not a 40 hour working week, and each of them come with their own delays.  I need my supervisor to check over ethics, I need to wait till assistants are available to hel with the materials.

I must stress here, none of this is unusual with research, and I'm not trying to suggest that it is.  I expected this to happen, and was prepared for it, but it can be frustrating.  And, as ever, this blog is designed as a diary (as such) of my experiences here, and I'm sure I won't be the only PhD student out there who's experienced that sense of limbo when you're between tasks.  The very nature required to get onto a PhD programme (driven, ambitious to a certain extent, hard-working etc.) means it is uncomfortable.

However, soon (I hope!) I'll have data to use.  And as soon as I do, I'm going to be running round like a headless chicken with 101 things to do at once, but I'll love it.  That's how I function best.  Until then, I'm chained to my desk and beholden to waiting.

Patience, I'm told, is a virtue.

It's Official: I'm really a PhD student!

It's official...  I am now a proper PhD student!

In most PhD programmes, your first year is essentially a probationary period.  I can't tell you anything other than what happened in mine, but I reckon it'll be pretty close to most insitutions in the UK at least.  So, let me explain what I mean by my conversion.

When you enroll as a PhD student, there are certain conditions you need to meet in your first year.  I'm sure there will be certain discipline-specific criteria, but as a psychology PhD student I was required to do five things:

• Complete relevant training modules
• Complete a written piece of work
• Present to the School about my first year
• Earn a recommendation from my supervisor to continue as a PhD student
• Earn satisfactory reports from TMC to continue

Let's go through these one by one.  First - completing relevant training modules.  This is only for students who haven't completed a Masters prior to beginning their PhD, and I fell into that category.  To fulfil this criteria, I completed three MSc modules - Research Foundations, Advanced Qualitative Research Methods and Advanced Quantitative Research Methods.  I only did assessments for the last two, which I passed quite happily!

My written piece of work was of course my literature review.  I wrote a series of posts on this, which I'll soon make available on a Popular Posts page.   I'd initially planned to do a study report, but when my pilot went all wrong, I had to change tactics.  In fact, the lit. review ended up being really beneficial to me, and gave me a lot more confidence that I knew my stuff when I went to take on my presentation.

It was just last Tuesday that I presented to the School.  It was a very, very nerve-wracking experience!  I think partly because this was the first time I'd had to stand up and not only explain what I'd been doing for a year, but also what I was planning to do in the next 6-12 months and defend it too.  It was really the last stop where someone might say "Ok, that was rubbish, go home."  Thankfully they didn't.  I got a lot of really nice feedback about my presentation and I'm happy with how it went.

As for the recommendations, these came without too much difficulty.  It was important to submit reports to my Thesis Monitoring Committee (TMC) on time and make sure I kept my supervisor up to date with what was going on.

So what does all this mean for me?  Well, if I hadn't completed my conversion, it might have been recommended I completed an MPhil instead of a PhD.  Thankfully, I now get to go on to the second and third year of my PhD.  Essentially, the School has decided their odds are pretty good of me completing (and passing) my thesis.  

The big hurdle is over and now I get to celebrate.  Of course, I celebrate in a PhD way, which means testing and the occassional bout of colouring in!  Nevertheless, I'm sure we'll manage a meal or drinks once all of us are finished.  Either way, I'm now officially on the road to a full PhD and I couldn't be happier!

My first ever class...

Comic thanks to www.phdcomics.com

Today, I taught my first ever undergrad class.  It wasn't as bad as I thought!  I didn't spill anything on myself, or blow up the computer, or forget everything I'd planned to say.  Basically, it was alright.  Not the best public speaking I've ever done, but not the worst either.  Instead of any self-flagellation though, I thought I'd share with you some of the interesting characters I met today.

1.  The 'I can't sure if I'm commit'

This student focuses intently for short periods of time, sometimes even answering questions or taking notes.  However, these bouts of concentration are interrupted with short periods where they seem to fall into non-narcoleptic spontaneous naps.  A late night is the suggested cause.

2.  The 'Interested, but pretending not to be'

We all understand the echoes of peer-pressure that might be lingering over some new students from high school, where it just wasn't cool to learn stuff.  The urge to tell them "It's ok!  You're allowed to learn here!  That's the whole point!" is strong, but sense of compassion and knowledge of how this might impact on their self-esteems prevents me.

3.  The 'If she's not looking at me, I cease to exist'

These are the students who begin loudly whispered conversations as soon as your eyes move to a different point in the classroom.  Not wanting to seem hostile in my very first lecture, I say nothing.  As soon as I look back to them, they sit as quiet as church mice.

4.  The 'I've done this before'

These types of students can be either good or bad.  They're either more intruiged and prepared to volunteer answers, or disdainful of anything you have to teach them because, of course, they know it already.

5.  The 'Anywhere else but here'

The student I feel sorry for because they just look miserable.  I'm undecided on why - is my teaching that bad?  I suspect illness, bad break up, homesickness or the sensation of being overwhelmed.  I want to give them a hug and ask them if they're ok.

6.  The 'Will I/Won't I?'

I'm not sure what motivates this student's see-sawing attitude to participation.  They swing from fully committed, taking copious notes and listening intently, to resolutely folding their arms and giving me the death stare.  Like serious death stare.  I thought I might die.

7.  The one who makes it all worth it

This student is engaging.  They smile at you and you see the understanding cross their face as you explain new vocabulary to them.  They alternate between taking notes and listening, but seem very clued in.  They come to speak to you at the end of class to ask an insightful question and thank you for your time.  They are the reason you feel it'll be ok to do this for another two years.

Behind the Scenes of Undergraduate Teaching

Ok, so maybe my classroom isn't as cool as this, but from next week I will have a classroom.  That's right.  From next week, I officially take on my role as Teaching Assistant (TA) and will be lecturing first year undergraduates in research skills.

Seeing as I also did my undergraduate here, I remember sitting in those same classes and thinking "Oh my gosh, these teachers know so much, how am I ever going to get to learn this?"  It was often followed by the thought "They're so put together and organised.  How do they do that?" 

Let's just say, it's interesting seeing it from the other side.

My first lecture is on Monday (that's rougly three-and-a-half days from now) and I am only today sitting down to figure out what on earth I'm going to teach them.  I'd like to clarify, this isn't entirely my fault.  The person I am taking over from has had a baby and is moving across the other side of the world in about eight weeks, so needless to say she was a little busy for handovers.  Instead, I finally got "Editor" access to the online software Blackboard, where lecture notes and module materials are posted.  I think most universities have some form of this.

Anyway. 

I've got my predecessor's slides and am now setting about making my own resources and lectures based on what has been taught before. (If it ain't broke, don't fix it and all that).  I am also turning my thoughts to how to be the best teacher I can be.  I've been told teaching experience is far down the list when it comes to important things on your CV, but it's something I've always wanted to do so I'm glad to get the opportunity.   Recently, the Thesis Whisperer wrote about having patience as an acadmic teacher (Note: I'm sorry, I couldn't find the exact post, but you should still click that link to check out the website - it will save your life as a PhD student in times of stress).

Basically, the idea of the post was to remind those of us who are teaching that new students will often make the same mistakes and it is easy to get very quickly exasperated and perhaps be less patient with the 20th person who's asked you the same question than you were with the 1st.  I have to admit, this is one thing I was guilty of in my marking last year.  When I repeatedly saw basic errors in referencing, for example, across 95% of the papers, I found it very hard not to get the red pen out and go crazy.  What I need to remember - especially when I am teaching the same class five days a week - is that every student there is coming to this subject matter for the first time.

That's also really exciting!  I feel really priveleged to be trusted in assisting the education of first years.  For many of them, this is their first step into further education and this year will inform not only their opinions of university life, but of their subject and of who they are as students.  I'm going to get to introduce them to a completely new way of thinking and a subject that is completely new for the majority of them.  I hope that I can display my enthusiasm both for the subject and their own learning through my lectures and that some of them at least may get something from it.

I am, of course, a bit nervous too, given it's really only three-and-a-half days a way.  I keep telling myself that they will assume I know what I'm doing.  But then I take the time to really confirm it - I do know what I'm doing.  I am passionate about psychology and I have not only got a funded PhD position but I've been trusted to teach this class - ergo, other people think I know what I'm doing too.

Now let's hope I can convince the first years!

Hitting the Wall pt. 2: The Door to Second Year

Last Monday was supposed to be my "official" return to university life after my holiday.  I'd had a lovely break, we went to the Isle of Mull where it was sunny every day all day and we had a brilliant time.  Will and I even got engaged!  (Woop!!)  With my lit. review behind me and all this happiness buoying me up, I was ready to go.

Then I actually got back to uni.  I had my TMC and because I'm not a complete n00b anymore, I had to answer tougher questions than last time, which I was unprepared for.  I got my feedback on my lit. review (which was pretty good by the way - very pleased!) and got home that day feeling absolutely exhausted and a bit deflated.  Somehow, all my enthusiasm had slithered away to be replaced by an illogical feeling of inadequacy.

I had hit the wall.  Again.

At first, I didn't recognise the symptoms.  Although I had been caught a little unawares in my TMC, it was all very constructive and I had solid directions in which to proceed.  I'd had positive feedback on my lit. review.  I had no idea what was causing me to feel so negative about my PhD.  Every time I sat down to work on my corrections on the review, or decided I should head into the office, my brain threw a tantrum like the proverbial two-year-old.  I didn't even want to think about it!

I'll clarify now that I still don't know what triggered the experience.  So apart from that Monday back, I hadn't done anything PhD related all week.  It's a confusing and bewildering position to be in, when you're almost observing yourself externally, seeing the emotional response to the PhD without really understanding why it's happening.  I'm a logical, rational person (most of the time), and it just didn't make sense.

Over the weekend, I decided I needed to come up with a plan.  (I like those).  Logical or not, I was struggling to get back to work.  While a few days were acceptable, I couldn't continue wallowing and avoiding my PhD like the plague.  So, I decided that if my brain was going to act like a two year old, I was going to treat it like one.  I allowed myself a lie in today, on the proviso that once I was awake, I had a shower, got ready and went straight to uni.  It's not a full day's work, but it's some work, which is an improvement on none.  My reward for completing a few hours work today is an unadulterated evening of relaxing doing whatever I want.

Like I said, I'm keeping it simple.  Behaviour + reward = positive reinforcement.  I'm not a psychologist for nothing ;-)

On reflection though, this weekend I also realised that while there might not have been a specific trigger for my unwillingness, I did realise there could be a broader problem: fear.  While I haven't fully completed my conversion yet - that won't be done until I complete my talk for the School in October - I am now considered to be a second year.  Now, I'm not sure how true these will hold, but from what I've heard and read from other peoples' experiences, my impressions of second year weren't good.  I'd been told right from the start by so many people I'd lost count: "Second year is going to be shit."  

Oh.

I can see why - you're no longer a first year, which in turn means you are (a) expected to know your shit, (b) be role models/support for the new intake of PhD students and (c) no longer able to excuse ignorance.  There are similar transitional points between seniour years of your undergraduate degree, but those are marked by a long three-and-a-half month break to acclimatise.  I had a couple of weeks.  It's hard to make that switch and feel prepared for these new expectations.

It's not just other peoples' expectations that were getting to me though, it was my own too.  I think that the majority of people who are doing PhDs are over-achievers.  This is not a criticism - hey, I'm one too! - just an observation.  But this also means we expect a lot from ourselves.  I wanted to be two studies down by now with more underway and a couple of chapters drafted out.  Obviously, I didn't manage that.  But this feeling of being behind and not meeting expectations is still there.

When you look at it in black and white, the fear is a pretty obvious response.  Realistically, I can manage, but not completely change the high expectations I have of myself.  What I can change though is how I hold myself to them.  I think the key is being positive rather than negative.  Just like I wouldn't berate a student who was struggling to understand, I shouldn't berate myself.  Hence my plan of gentle coaxing.

Second year is scary because you're all grown up now.  However, you're still a student, and no one expects you to be producing work that is the equal of your supervisors, or even equal to the standard your own work will be in six months, or a year.  

So my suggestion to you, if you hit the wall of Second Year Fear, is to creep along it until you find the door.  Coax yourself through.  Be nice.  Take your time.  And remember: you got this.

I'll see you on the other side.

10 Things I Learned About Doing a Lit. Review

I am delighted to say I have now finished and submitted my literature review.  If you've read any of my previous posts on the topic, you'll have noticed it has been a bit of whirlwind of emotions, stress and procrastination.  

However, I learned a lot from the process and thought I would sum up the experience with the ten most important things I've learned whilst working on my lit. review.  

And if you're wondering about the picture, this is what I'm doing now it's finished!

1.  Make plans with the intention of scrapping them.

On a CPD course I once got told that the act of making a plan isn't really to set out how and when we're going to work, instead, it's a mental exercise that allows us to get our head around what's actually involved.  Writing a lit. review, for example, isn't just about writing 7,000-10,000 words.  It's about reading, finding a story, figuring out how that's all going to come together, writing and finally editing.

I made about twelve different plans throughout my lit. review, and the finished product looks vastly different from the first five or so.  From then on, they come closer and closer to what the final version was about.

2.  Allow way more time than you think you'll need.

Since my last experiment went belly up, the literature review was all I had to work on this summer.  For that reason, I thought "Hey, no problem, I'll get that done in a few weeks!"  No.  Just no.  What was originally scheduled for submission on the 1st of July, became the 14th, then the 27th, then the 3rd of August.  I actually got it submitted on the 30th of July, so a little in between my final two estimates.

This is not because I am necessarily lazy.  The process was a lot more difficult than I'd anticipated, but we were also ripping out our kitchen and building a new one at this time.  Like my lit. review, this also took a lot longer than intended and was a lot more stressful, so it took away from time I might have dedicated to writing.

3.  Don't be afraid to let your thinking evolve.

I used to be what gaming people call a completionist.  I hated putting down a game if I hadn't earned every achievement, levelled up all my characters to 100, collected all the secret items and had explored every little corner.  Apply that logic to writing my lit. review, and it meant I really didn't want to give up on that first plan I'd made.

This is a really important lesson for the PhD as a whole, not just writing lit. reviews.  You must learn to be flexible.  The thing is, my first plan was pretty dull.  As I read more and learned more I found a more exciting path I wanted my research to go in.  My thinking and my writing had to adapt to keep up, and the final version is much more interesting because it has been around a topic I am passionate about.

4.  Don't be afraid to say "NO!"

This might be specific only for those who have a close family.  My family love me and are invested in me and my future, so they like to know how it's going.  They also knew that the lit. review was important.  But when every phone call or Facebook conversation asks how it's going, how much you've done and if you're going to finish on time, it can be stressful, even when you know they're only asking because they care.  Sometimes you just have to say "I'm not discussing it", even when you know it's rude, to preserve your sanity.

5.  Read it aloud.

I've always done this to check work.  I find reading aloud helps me find those minor errors (a where instead of a were, or a missed word or phrase that Word doesn't flag up) that when reading internally, we often skip over.  Reading aloud means these errors trip you up.  It also helps you figure out if sentences are too long, if they don't run well together, or if something is complicated.  If you're out of breath, the sentence is too long.

6.  Take a day off before editing.

By the time I had my final draft complete, I was sick of the sight of my literature review, and my laptop.  I wanted to kill it with fire and never look at it ever again.  Obviously, that's not an option.  However, I knew if I went straight into editing, my judgement would be clouded.  I'd skip over bits because I'd read over them what felt like a hundred times trying to get the wording right.  

Taking a day off gives you a reprieve.  I slept in and didn't use my computer or check emails or Facebook or anything for a day.  I went outside for a walk, I watched a couple of films, I sewed, I cleaned and I had an early night.  Coming back to edit after that was much easier.  Rather than feeling like a final slog, it was a a look back over what I'd done with fresh eyes and a recharged brain.  

7.  If it's not working, go back to basics.

My last post was written at a time when the writing was at its hardest.  I was stressed out and tearful all the time, exhausted with writing a project that just wouldn't go together.  Imagine you've one piece left for a jigsaw, but it just won't fit in - it's completely the wrong shape.  That's what it felt like.

So not long after that post, I decided to go back to the beginning.  I wrote the question at the top of a page, and drew the sections I thought would answer that question off it in spider-diagram form.  I then reordered those sections in the most sensible fashion.  Everything made sense.  I'd been struggling so much because I'd been trying to answer a newer, more evolved question, with an older plan.  The older plan no longer made sense to the newer question, hence my difficulty in getting things to fit together.  Once I'd figured out where I'd gone wrong, the words flew out and I wrote my final draft in about six days.  (Before editing of course!)

8.  Make sure you're doing something else too.  As long as it's not building a kitchen.

Part of my frustration with my lit. review was that I felt like I did nothing else.  My pilot had gone wrong so there was no more work to do for that, and I couldn't start my next study until September when the undergrads came back for Autumn term.  It ended up that all I felt like I was doing was my lit. review so I began to despise it because I felt it was taking over my life.

This led to a secondary problem, in that having only one project meant I kept procrastinating.  It was easy to say "I'll do it tomorrow" when I only had one thing to do.  Bad idea.

9.  Think carefully about advice.

If you're stuck and ask for advice, that's great.  It's important to feel comfortable enough to do that.  If you're asking people you trust who've been through this, even better.  But you will be given a lot of contradictory, unsolicited advice too.  Again, these people are only trying to be helpful and it is not the fact that they're giving advice which I'm cautioning against.  All I am saying is to think for yourself before you act on it.  Everyone works differently, and what they did might not work for you.  It can also be a bit stressful (like the "How's it going?" question), so don't feel bad if you just want to nod and politely say thank you, but not follow it.

10.  Have faith in yourself.

By the time you come to write your literature review, you'll have been doing your PhD for about a year.  You're going to feel totally out of your depth and like you know nothing.  You know more than you think you do.  Remember always that this process isn't just about progressing into second year, it's a chance for you to get familiar with the literature in your area, so you can rattle off "Oh yeah, like the Fletcher-Watson et al. paper on people preference" and have other people look at you and be impressed.

Yeah.

But seriously, if you got onto the PhD programme, you can do this.  Take your time.  Allow yourself days off if it's just not coming, but always remember you got this.  I have come out the other side of my lit. review more prepared to face the rest of my research, but also much more confident in arguing my case.  I know what I'm talking about.  These months of work have allowed time for osmosis to happen and finally, I know the key studies important to my research like I know the words to Flower of Scotland. (And that's well, by the way.  I could sing that in my sleep).

If I can do it, you can.  And if you're facing the prospect of a lit. review, or are writing one just now, I hope this might be helpful for you.  But the most important point is the last one.  If you take nothing else away from this, just remember: you got this.

The Quagmire of the PhD

When I started this blog, I wrote that it was a tool for me to be reflective about my journey through my PhD, but also to offer an 'insider's guide', if you will, to all aspects of being a PhD student.  I regret to say that today's post highlights some of the more turbulent experiences of - what I hope is - a typical PhD student nearing the end of their first year.

As I'm sure most PhD students experienced, I began my PhD with bountiful enthusiasm.  I could cope with hours upon hours of reading because I was interested.  I wrote lots of notes, I colour coded lots of things, I organised my office and labelled folders and collected journal articles like they were going out of fashion.  I approached potential studies like an over-excited puppy, reading everything, writing ethics forms, and all the while thinking how great it was to be learning.

I miss old me.

New me hates everything.  I should add a little caveat here, in that I still wouldn't want to be doing anything else.  But that doesn't mean I don't hate it.  I hate the never-ending "How's the PhD going?", or "Have you finished your literature review yet?".  Worse still are the "You really need to get working on that you know", the "You better not be thinking of quitting" or the "Why aren't you published yet?"

The rational part of me knows people not asking these questions or making these statements from a negative standpoint.  They are are asking (a) because they care or (b) because they think it is a safe topic, much like "How is work?", except it's not like that at all.

Every day, I struggle to get in front of the computer.  If I do, I invariably stare for hours at a blank document or reread what I've already written without making any new progress.  I despise the topic, the literature and my own poor writing.  Avoidance, although temporarily relieving, perpetuates the guilt cycle.  

I don't work - I feel guilty - I try to work - I fail miserably - I hate everything - I don't work.  I think we can agree, it's not the most productive of cycles.

Funnily enough, I was warned by everyone who had been doing their PhD for more than 12 months to expect this.  All have good advice - advice I've returned on the odd occasion - and while I know how good it is, I just can't seem to follow it.  I took a few days away from it all, in the hopes I'd break the cycle, but as we're currently refitting our kitchen in our tiny one-bedroom flat, it wasn't really days off to relax.  It was days off to work 8-16 hours on a kitchen I am also rapidly growing to hate.  (That's a rant for a whole other day though).  I came into the office today to get out of that environment, but here I sit writing this post, rather than my literature review, the deadline for which is approaching at break-neck, terrifying speed.

I imagine this is what it must feel like for the proverbial deer in the headlights.  I see my deadline racing towards me, flashing warning signs all through my diary and calender that the end is near, but I am paralysed by fear and inability to do anything so it sits, with 4250 words completed (many of which will need rewritten) and I am writing blog posts.

Those of you who have been here I'm sure can commiserate.  For those of you who haven't yet, I hope I am not diluting your enthusiasm.  But these are the realities of the PhD, I suppose.  I hope that soon I might be able to write about overcoming this, but for now, I am all Bambi-like and unable to write anything related to my topic.  Or even talk about it.  

Just don't ask me how my PhD's going.

Literature Review III: Choppy Writing

I'm considering myself well into the writing mode now and am close to halfway towards my word limit (which has been revised to 8,000-9,000 at most now).  As I've said before, this is my first real piece of academic writing since my undergraduate days, and I've noticed that I've approached this project in a completely different way.

One of the main obstacles for me has been the lack of a solid question. Obviously, I have a question I am trying to answer within the review, but I'm talking about the smaller sort of sub-questions that shape the direction and style of your argument.  For example, when I am writing about magic, I want to establish the value of magic research in science, as well as discussing the work that has informed my own research.  The former is quite a broad topic, where the latter is much more specific, yet these are to be covered within one large section about magic. 

If we continue with this example, my problem has been how to make the progression between each subsection within the magic area.  This has resulted in what I've called "Choppy Writing".  I go from one section to another, writing a few sentences or paragraphs as I come across something I think will link into that section, or as I read a paper and see that what I've written might be better placed elsewhere, and so on.

I don't suppose this in itself is inherently problematic (although I can see me having to do crazy proof-reading to make sure I've still got all the references that are in my reference list) but it does feel strange for me to write in this way.  I've mentioned before I like to write a section in its entirety before I move on, or at least - I used to.  This time, the choppy writing has come to me naturally; it seemed the most intuitive way to approach the topic.  Write what I could when I could, so that something is down on paper.  I suppose that's what drafts are for - editing is where I need to shape it up and refine the ideas and arguments.

The draft itself still feels very rough and I'm not sure how good anything I'm producing is, but at least I'm at the point now where I am going to send one completed subsection to my supervisor.  The prospect terrifies me, but I think it is okay, so I need to see where my judgements of the work stand in relation to my supervisor's.  We shall soon see!

Lit. Review Part 2: Once more unto the breach

It's been two weeks that I've been "writing" my literature review.  Two weeks, and I have produced 1,590 words.  

In reality, I've probably written closer to 6,500 words, but I've deleted them all.  I rewrote and rewrote and rewrote and ended up having written nothing.

Herein lies my first big mistake.  Stop rewriting!

If you consult a 'how-to' book about writing novels, it will tell you to get that first draft down on paper regardless of crappy spelling, poorly developed plot-lines and weak characterisation.  I have read one or two of these books in my time, but didn't think to apply it to my literature review.  So instead, I got hung up on each sentence.

.

You can understand why - it's an important piece of work.  Important people read it.  If I hand in something... less than excellent it makes me feel I am damaging my future reputation and credentials as an academic.  But, please, learn from my lesson.  This approach leads to writing less than 1,000 words a week.  Bad Katy.

The second thing I have learned so far is that you don't always have to start at the beginning and end at the end.  My literature review has two (possibly three) main sections.  I started with the first section because it was first.  It was also the hardest and the one that might get incorporated into the other sections.  Now, it took me ten whole days to realise: this was a dumb idea.  All through my undergraduate, we wrote experimental reports.  I always wrote the methods and results first, then discussion and lastly introduction and abstract.  Obviously, that's not it order.  I can't tell you how much of an idiot I felt when I realised I should apply the same principles to writing a literature review.

Duh.

So, in the last three days or so, I've been writing the section about magic, which has been good for two reasons.  First of all, it means I'm actually writing something.  This is an area I know better and am more enthusiastic about so the words come more easily.  That has a knock-on secondary effect - I don't feel like such an idiot.  I probably don't need to elaborate on why that's a good thing!

I feel like I haven't progressed much yet.  It's like Literature Review and I are in a state of war.  We occassionally give each other peace for sleep and so on, but even that's disrupted by random thoughts and dreams that I'm writing.  Daily activities bombed by guilt "You should be writing!" and tired-brain "Stop making me do this!  I give up!  I surrender!"  However, I am regrouping and reinforcing my defenses.  I wade once more unto the breach.  And hopefully, next time, I can tell you "We are in the final stages of war.  We shall be victorious!"

The Literature Review - Part One

As with many universities, at my School, your first year as a PhD student is sort of like probation.  You get a chance to learn the ropes (or to try, anyway), to start figuring out what your question is and to generally feel overwhelmed by what you've signed up for.  

However, as probation starts to draw to a close, you remember that little paragraph somewhere in the postgraduate student handbook you read months ago, that you have to submit a piece of work to be judged as an assessment on whether you should become a fully-fledged, official PhD student.

Uh oh.  Frantically, you race back to the handbook, scroll through endless amounts of information to reach that paragraph and confirm - it says you've got a lot of work to do!  

That's the point I'm at.  I have my first proper piece of work to do (MSc module assignments aside).  For the 27th of July, I must write an 8000-10,000 word literature review on my topic.  Gulp!  For those of you further on in your PhDs, you are probably reading this and shaking your head with the memories of your first "big" piece of work and thinking to yourselves 'Oh just wait for what's to come.'  I realise that I'm probably going to cross this threshold soon and that in 6-9 months, writing a lit. review will seem like nothing.

Right now, though, it seems huge.  Which is why I thought it'd be helpful to write a short series of posts as I go through the process to illuminate it for anyone (a) thinking about doing a PhD so you can be forewarned, or (b) also going through this so you can commiserate too.

Now, I didn't do a Masters, so my last piece of academic writing was my undergraduate dissertation in my fourth year.  It was 7,500 words, so not too uncomparable in length, but the difference was it didn't really matter what you said.  Of course, you had to make sense, present your argument in a logical way, etc., but it didn't matter if your experiment was unsuccessful or if you hadn't fully grasped all the relevant concepts.  I think we all know that your literature review for your thesis, on the other hand, is a very different story.

So take my nervousness about writing academically, my awareness of how important it is - which leads to a sense of terror - and add in the fact that I have no idea how to write a literature review.  The latter, I feel, is likely to be my biggest hurdle.  I mean, I'd heard the term before, but what is a literature review when you get down to it?

At the moment, my understanding is that it is a way for you to present an argument for your research topic and demonstrate its grounding in relavent literature.  Ok, great.  I have an OED definition.  But how the hell do I go about writing one? 

My current plan is planning.  I've got a basic plan of progression (subheadings with bullet points illustrating what I might talk about), so I can begin to form an idea of how to tell the story, as it were.  I'm actually meeting with my supervisor today to discuss it, so I can either be given the go ahead, or be told to have another think about it.  It's daunting to consider 10,000 words at once, so instead, I'm trying to think of each individual section as a mini essay.  I have three subheadings to work with, each with their own subtitles, so I have the bare-bones framework for a very rough first draft.

The second hurdle is the fear.  I am finding it hard to persuade my fingers to commit anything to paper.  In fact, that's part of my reason for writing this - I figure the more I encourage myself to write, the more my brain will be in a "writing" mode.  My concerns about this are almost evenly divided into the rational and irrational.  I'm concerned it wont be good enough, and I wont be allowed to progress in my PhD.  This is a rational fear, I feel, as it would rather affect my life plan.  But other fears, like "I can't write anything!" I know are unfounded.  I have, after all, just written a rather long blog post about the whole topic.  

I don't imagine this being an easy task, but I hope that by taking semi-regular breaks to tell you all about it will help me take an objective perspective on it all once in a while.  This will hopefully help me retain my sanity, and remember that, in the grand scheme of things, there's only another 90,000-92,000 words to go.  

Eek.

The First Big Blow

In the last week, I've had the first big blow to my PhD confidence.  My first study, which has been my focus up until now, was finally at the analysis stage.  The pilot had been run, the follow up concluded and hours upon hours upon hours of coding finally finished.  It was time for analysis.

It turns out, I have nothing.  No results.  Nothing I can use.  It's not just an absence of what we thought would happen.  Every single participant did a different thing, which means I can't even say "Well they didn't do x, but they did y!"  I can do nothing with it.  I'm not going to lie.  This was one of the toughest things I've ever had to overcome.  With real-world vision research, you can't just run another few participants.  Coding takes so long per person that it's unfeasable if the pilot shows no pattern.

Obviously, this is hard because it is my first study and it has gone wrong.  But it's also hard because it is a reinforcement of fears like 'I'm too far behind everyone else', 'I'm never going to complete on time' and 'Am I really good enough to be doing a PhD?'  I'm sure these are fears everyone faces and I know failure is not individual to me or my research.  I knew this was something I needed to anticipate, I just didn't expect it so soon.

It's also difficult because in my School, we have to complete a piece of work in our first year that is our assessment to be allowed to continue.  My work had been going to be a write up of this study, so I'd been working on it for a while already.  However, now I will need to do a literature review instead.  This is scary, because I would've been preparing a long time ago if I knew that, and I am not confident about my writing.

However, I'm trying to see the bright side in all this.  After several days of allowing myself to mope that is.  At least this has happened now, rather than my second or third year when I'd be even more stressed.  And at least it was not a huge study.  It's going to give me practice at writing. 

I'm not quite believing these positives yet, but I'm working on it.  It's all still a bit raw.  But hey - if I can get through this, I guess I can get through anything.

Thinking Evolution

First of all, apologies for the long delay in my return to blogging. As I said in my last post, there have been a lot of family things going on. Things have improved a lot since then and I have returned to life 'as normal' as a PhD student.

Over the last few weeks, postgraduate seminars held at the School have had a much more job-oriented focus. We've heard about a few of the post-docs' job seeking experiences and learned how to write academic CVs and cover letters. These sorts of things are obviously invaluable to know about if you want a career in academia - as I do - but I've noticed that alongside these events, I've had some real shifts in my thinking.

Up until recently, I'd almost been embarrassed to tell people I was a PhD student. I felt they'd think I was boasting and to be honest felt like since I didn't really know what I was doing, I couldn't really call myself that. But yet, talking to undergraduates over the last month about my experiences and starting to think about the future as an academic seems to have evolved how I think about myself as a PhD student.

Instead of the "I'm new and don't know what I'm doing!" sort of feeling, I've begun to settle into the everday life of a PhD student. I am less worried about days where I don't get so much done, because in my head I can feel an understanding of my topic developing. I find myself plotting out the 'story' of my current experiment with the literature that I know, identifying gaps and almost writing myself little memos in my head as reminders to look for specific papers or findings. And this tends to happen while I'm walking to uni, at the gym or when I'm just relaxing at home. (Of course, sod's law dictates this should never happen while I'm in my office).

I'm not saying I think everything's grand these days. I still worry about whether I'm keeping up, about how well my research is going and always "I need to be doing more". But, there is a big difference in thinking about things in this new way. I feel a bit more centred and a bit more in control too. That end goal is still a long way off, but I'm able to think about it now and plan what I want to do between now and then.

I'm also sure that this wont be the last change in attitude I experience before I finish my PhD, but this one at least means I feel a little more at home when I'm steeped in 'work'. Have your attitudes about yourself and/or your PhD changed over the time of your study? What gave you that I-can-do-this feeling?

Why it's important to be honest

When people are under stress, I tend to find there are two ways of dealing with it. Some people tell everyone, in some way venting the stress proportionately to the number of people they tell, and others internalise.

We all deal with stress as PhD students - it's part of the deal, really. Sometimes, though, stress comes along which we have no control over.

In the last couple of weeks, there's been a bit of a crisis in my boyfriend's family. I hasten to add we're both fine, but it's a stressful situation.

Previously, I've always been the sort of person to internalise when things were going wrong, but this time I faced a unique situation. There wasn't actually anything wrong with me, but my boyfriend was under a huge amount of stress and really needed my support. It seemed like a tricky situation to manage - how could I give him the support he needed without falling behind or to be seen as slacking?

Thankfully, I have an understanding supervisor. I spoke to him honestly about the issue - including the fact that it wasn't really me involved, but that I wanted to be there to support my partner. We agreed that I could work at home whenever necessary, pop into uni if I wanted or mainly catch up via email while the situation is still urgent.

That meant that I was able to take care of all the "home stuff" as I like to call it - cooking, cleaning, driving, last minute arrangements and so on, that you're not always in the right frame of mind for after a full day in the office. I was - and am - available to give bf the support he needs, without it impacting on my work. In fact, I've made more of an effort to be productive seeing as I'm not in the office.

I'd like to add too that his university have been incredibly understanding. Staff have been tactfully and discretely notified by the tutor he spoke to, and preparations are in place should he need an extension or exemption for coursework.

All this support from our universities has meant that bf has been able to be there for his family, and I've been able to be there for him, without the added pressure, stress and worry about uni work. I wanted to share, because unfortunately it's something you might face one day and I can't say it enough - be honest with your supervisors and/or tutors, because they can't help if they don't know what's happening. Their support has been invaluable to both of us, and it's meant that while things have of course been difficult, they haven't been nearly as bad as they could have been.

And if you TL:DR'd - If you have a problem, let your university know as soon as the situation occurs, and they will bend over backwards to help you. They want to see you do well, and will help however they can.