A little perspective

Currently, I'm working rather manically, trying to fit in all my testing, writing a conference submission, teaching, coding and analysis.  Oh, and a life.  (Occassionally).  When you're caught up in the crazy blur of days where it feels like months ago you last had a weekend, it can be hard to pull apart any individual element of your day-to-day PhD existence as meaningful.

While it's important to avoid full on existential crisis, it can be hard when you're wondering "What's the point?"  That's what makes it so important to do something a little different from time to time that reminds you why you've chosen the path you're on.

Part of the reason I wanted to become an academic was because my experiences as an undergradaute showed me how having dedicated teachers can radically improve your learning journey.  I am proud to have been (and to currently be) an undergrad and postgrad student in Psychology at the University of Dundee.  Our School has repeatedly come top in student satisfaction surveys and all the lecturers work hard to make their courses as engaging and interesting as possible.

One of the most influential experiences of my undergrad though was a residential trip in the January of my third year.  It gave me the confidence to push for a First Class degree, to get involved in the School and to make a difference while I was here.  Now, as a postgrad, I had the opportunity to go back on the residential, to share my experiences and some of the tricks and tips I learned along the way.

I think we're very lucky to have a Dean who cares so much about student enrichment, and dedicated staff members who take so much time out of their own holidays and put such an increase on to their workload to organise it all.

But for me, going to the Burn (shown in the picture) was one of those moments that allowed me to take a step back and remind myself why I'm doing this.  

Of course, research is my main passion, but I strongly believe in giving back.  I can't oversell how much attending the residential changed my life.  I was all for coasting through my degree before then, and if I hadn't been given the incentive to push higher, I would never have had the opportunities I have now.  I also think it's great being able to be useful for something.  When I was an undergraduate, there was so much unknown about life after uni.  What's a PhD anyway?  How can I use my degree for other stuff?  How am I going to balance this with all my other goals?
.

It's why - however much I moan about it - teaching is something that is, ultimately, rewarding.  But special cases like the residential are even better because everyone wants to be there.  They're all interested and enthusiastic and it makes it a pleasure to talk about how to get into a PhD and things I learned about Clinical Psychology as a career and how I do (or don't) balance family life alongside my degree.

Feeling like I can help make someone else make good choices is hugely rewarding for me, and however difficult my PhD is just now, it's really nice to remember that whatever happens at the end of it, I've had the chance to help some people.

Reasons not to give up...

If you've read this blog at all recently, you'll have heard about my PhD Apocalypse.  Now that I can officially be classed as a 'survivor', I thought I should maybe invest some time into thinking how I could manage the situation if it were to ever arise again.  (PhD, if you're listening, don't you dare...)

One of the things I did was to create a list of reasons not to give up my PhD.  Currently, I have no desire to do so, but in the darkest days of apocalypse, it was sometimes all I could think about.  I wrestled with myself.  I really didn't want to go on, I couldn't face it, I couldn't bear it.  And yet, I didn't really want to give up either.

I persevered, but I felt I needed to revisit this desire to quit.  It was so strong, that I felt I needed a contingency plan.  A reminder of why quitting would be a bad idea.  So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my reasons not to quit:

Now first off, you might have noticed I coloured it in.  And I'm going to take a teeny weeny tangent to say that yes, yes I did.  Colouring in is therapeutic.  It makes you focus.  There's a reason classrooms full of primary school children sit and do it.  It can also make a scary thing less scary.  (Crayola FTW!)

It's also true that most of these reasons are trivial.  For example, "So that we'll be called 'Mr and Dr' and it will sound funny..." but to be completely honest, sometimes I think it's the little things that get you through.  Telling myself on a daily basis that I need to keep going because this is how I'm planning on providing for my family and future children kind of adds on the pressure, if you know what I'm saying.  The thought of going abroad with my work or graduating as Dr Katy Inglis (or Dr Katy Mitchell, if we get married first), are more tangible and exciting rather than scary.

Making this list started out as a joke.  It was a kind of funny way to deal with a bad situation.  But now I have my list on my wall, I wouldn't be without it.  In fact, I'm trying to come up with reasons for a second one.  Because when all you can think about is quitting and you look up and see a brightly coloured list full of reasons not to, you feel better.

So, fellow PhDers, future PhDers, academics and people in general everywhere, I put it to you, what would be on your list?  I'm advocating that you all make one.  I want to see pictures of reasons not to give up from universities all over the world!  

...

Ok so maybe that's getting a bit crazy, but really, make one.  Because I can guarantee you that when you're feeling like you can't make it through one more single day of your PhD, this will help.  And if it doesn't, come speak to me and I'll try to help :)

Once more unto the breach, dear friends

First of all, please let me wish you a happy new year!  I hope you've had a lovely holiday and that 2013 brings you many good things.  As you can see, I am now back to work and currently ensconced in my office.  I thought it high time for another post...

The last time I wrote, I was sufferring from my affectionately named 'PhD Apocalypse'.  My mental state had started to improve a little, but I still had a long way to go.  Now I am, officially, on the other side, I wanted to talk a little about how I found my way back.  It was a long road!

This might be a bit too airy fairy for some of you (believe, I surprised myself with this thinking - airy fairy I am not) but I really felt I was out of balance.  The whole thing had thrown me completely out of kilter and I needed to spend some time righting things.  I spent a lot of 'quiet' time over the holidays.  Winter holidays are usually a really big, busy family time for us, but this year we spent it quietly, just the two of us.  I spent a lot of days just reading or sewing.  The latter in particular I find very helpful when I'm stressed, because you have to focus on counting stitches and pay attention to the pattern, so there isn't time to think about other things.

Doing this for a while made me start to feel better.  I was still very tired (I think this was partly emotional, but also because here in Scotland at the darkest point in winter the sun's only up for about five hours), and I slept a lot.  My days didn't really have a routine so they sometimes blurred into one another.  Usually I find this unsettling but it seemed to help.

In the middle of last week, I noticed a change.  I hadn't been thinking about uni - on purpose or by accident I couldn't tell you - but I started to feel the urge to gear myself up and prepare for going back.  I spring cleaned the house.  I bought supplies.  (Read: colouring pencils).  I just started generally clearing things and tidying up.  There seemed a definite "It's time to put your house in order so it's done before things get busy" emphasis to my actions, even though it seemed like this motivation had come from somewhere else.

In the end, I turned up back to uni without really having thought about it.  Before Christmas, I was prepared for a real big ordeal when it was time to come back and I actively dreaded it.  But really, it's been fine.  In some ways, it feels like I've never been away.  (Though that's maybe just a bit sad).

I know I face a storm of busyness in the days to come, but I'm facing it with a calm head now.  I feel prepared and ready for it.  Most importantly, I feel like I've restored that balance.  I've pulled myself back a bit and reminded myself there is more to life than my PhD.  I think it helps that I've now also given myself a deadline.  When you have "a few years" to do a PhD, it's easy to be complacent, to put things off until tomorrow.  I only get paid until August 2014, but that's not quite enough motivation.  However, the Boy and I have (just about) booked our wedding date (we will be booking on the 2nd of Feb).  We're getting married early November 2014.  I must have my PhD finished and handed in before then because I don't want it hanging over my head on our wedding day.  

The combination of taking time out, refocusing and giving myself a definite time frame seems to help.  I'm almost eager for the busy rush of 2013, in which I hope to complete all my testing - so that I can finish on time.  

I do feel like I've overcome something monumental, even though objectively I realise it shouldn't have mattered that much.  Regardless, I've learned a lot from it.  I do believe this is the turning point.  I feel like I'm coming round the bend to the home straight now. 

The race is on.

Surviving the PhD Apocalypse

In my last post, I wrote about how I'd experienced the worst, lowest point of my PhD.  I'm calling it my PhD Apocalypse.  Partly because that feels like an adequate description of the devastation I felt when I lost everything, but partly because it's currently relevant and sounds cool.

As you might have guessed from the return of my slightly weird sense of humour, I am feeling a little bit better about the whole thing.  Not completely better, but a little bit.  And I felt that it was important to tell you how I got here, because I know damn well that I am not the first person to go through this and nor will I be the last.  So I hope that in some way, this might be useful for someone out there.  If nothing else, it can serve as a reminder that I can get through the hard times.

First of all, I really did spend about two weeks wallowing.  My PhD apocalypse pervaded my whole life.  I was very depressed.  I didn't want to get out of bed - some days I didn't - I didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone.  I just wanted the whole world to go away.  I think I only actually cried once.  The rest of the time, I was in this sort of depressed stupor.  I was miserable.  

I don't really know if there was another alternative to that.  I felt like I had physically lost a part of myself.  I had to grieve.  And there was a part of me then - and now - that is slightly scared about how deeply this affected me.  At the end of the day, this is just a PhD, but it still made me completely bottom out. 

This is the really important part.

Eventually, time passes.  You sleep a lot, you get a little distance.  But the most important thing I did to start feeling better was to tell people just how miserable I was.  You see, I'm a coper.  I'm a smile-and-get-on-with-it sort of person.  So although I'd told people what had happened, they didn't realise how much it had been affecting me.  This led to me feeling like no one cared, which led to more vicious cycles of MEH.  However, once I told people just how bad I was feeling they really rallied around.  There's nothing anyone could do, but they were there for me, patient with my bad moods and just really supportive.  They made all the difference.
.

So if you find yourself in the same situation, Step One is tell people and ask for their support!

Step Two is a lot easier and more fun.  It is: Take time off and do fun stuff!

I'm fortunate (in however a twisted way that is) that this happened at the end of the semester.  If it had happened during the middle of term, I would've lost my chance to recollect the data for six months.  Being close to the end of term meant I'm also finished teaching, so I don't have that to worry about, and it's nearly the holidays.
.

I decided to start mine a little early.  I took time off just to get my head back on straight.  I slept lots, saw friends, played computer games, read two books in a day, wrote, sewed, coloured in and baked cookies.  Slowly, these things restored me to myself.  They reminded me that I have a life outside my PhD.  Doing that also highlighted just how narrow my focus had become - I'd been so all-consumed with my PhD for so long, it felt bizarre doing other things.

I can't stress enough how important I think this time away is.  I'm still doing it, although I'm in the office today and will be tomorrow and Friday.  I still wince and shy away from talking about my PhD in any context (though I'm being brave today for a meeting with my supervisor).  But allowing myself this time away, this time to relax, unwind and forget about it all, is restoring my sense of purpose and just general happiness!  I know that it will allow me to come back in January, raring to go, sharply focused and determined.  

The biggest lesson I can give you from my experience is that time off isn't always a bad thing.  Sometimes you just need it.

And with that sentiment, I also want to wish you happiness for the holidays.  I'll be back to blogging - and more regularly - in the new year.  So here's to surviving the real (not-true) apocalypse, and have a very merry Christmas.  All the best for 2013.

See you on the other side!  

Dealing with Disaster

I'd like to clarify at the outset that I'm aware what I'm about to describe doesn't really fall under the same 'disaster' category as natural disasters or pandemics or anything like that.  But to a PhD student, it's still a pretty big ****ing disaster.

In May of this year, I wrote about the first blow to my research that I'd experienced.  To be honest, when I went searching for that post to link it here, I'd thought it was written a lot earlier in my first year.  Nonetheless, there it was.  I was depressed, fed up and frustrated.

I have recently discovered that that was a cake walk compared to what I'm experiencing now.

I'm not going to go into details because there isn't really much point, but I'll give you a summary just to clarify I've not gone mad.  The study I'm running at the moments requires participants to return once a week for three consecutive weeks.  They can't miss a session, because if they do I can't use their data.  It's taken a long time to set up and even longer to execute.  Last week though, one of the mobile eye trackers broke.  This wouldn't usually be a problem - I could just use the other one - but for this experiment I need to use both trackers simultaneously.  I was halfway through testing.  It basically means anyone who I'd started to test had to have the rest of their sessions cancelled and anyone who hadn't tested yet didn't even get off the ground.  There is no more time to schedule before the end of term and the eye tracker still isn't fixed yet anyway.  You're just going to have to trust me that we've tried everything, and there's no possible solution to this other than to retest in the new semester.

Basically, what this means is that the data collection and analysis I was on track for completing by the end of December, is now looking at completion by the end of March.  I've lost three months.

Really, I know that this just means I need to grin and bear it and get ready for a very busy semester after Christmas.  I'll be running both my studies at once and teaching as well.  I know it's not the end of the world or the end of my PhD.  I know all that, but it still feels awful right now.

When I found out I was going to lose all these data on Friday, I know that if this was just a job, I would've left.  I couldn't have hacked it.  Over the weekend I tried to forget about it, but it's Monday morning and I still would quite like to just hulk out and destroy my office, tear up my PhD work so far and quit completely.  It's fortunate my supervisor is off today, because otherwise I would've had to email him to explain I didn't feel up to a meeting this week because there's no way I can put how I'm feeling about the PhD as a whole politely just now.

There might be some of you out there who think I'm over-reacting or that I'm taking my PhD too seriously.  I've had that sort of comment before.  But the thing is, this is my life right now.  I am depending on this, it is my income, my day-to-day existence, it's the thing that keeps me up at night.  I hate to admit it but whenever someone told me "Oh the second year blues will hit at some point" I honestly thought I'd be one of the lucky ones who escape it.  

Apparently not.

Right now, it's a daily battle to not just give up.  To be honest, today it's even an hourly battle.  I am trying just to get myself through to the Christmas holidays so I can take some time completely away from everything.  Just now that seems a scarily long way away, with so many days in the office to endure first, but what can you do?  I know this will pass too, but right now, I am just hoping nothing else pushes me because I'm really not in a good place.

So, welcome to the Second Year Blues, PhD-blog readers.  Hopefully I'll be able to tell you how we get out of here soon.

Busy Girl is Long-Term Planning

So no, this post isn't about cats, but I love a good cat picture at the best of times, so sssh.

A little while ago, I was lamenting that I was in the lull between getting ethics approval and actually being able to test.  That lull is now over!  

This is good because it means I have lots to do.  Mondays and Fridays are completely taken up with testing.  Midweek is time for office hours for students, teaching (last class of the semester was given on Friday), getting materials ready for the next experiment, ethics, etc. etc.

In general, that means I'm knackered!  Because, of course, I have a life as well.  (Sometimes).  Add in regular gym sessions, taekwondo training, sewing a giant picture for my gran's 80th which has already taken a few months and is no where near finished, seeing friends, wedding planning, seeing family and just running a house, I have had no time!  Which is why I haven't blogged recently, sorry.

What I'm also doing at the moment is trying to plan for what work I'll do now, and what work I'll do later.  My testing is due to finish (with the exception of two participants) on the 30th of November.  Semester finishes on the 14th of December.  So really, I've got two weeks in there before I can take some well-earned time off.

Without going too much into the mechanics of collecting real world vision data and the challenges it presents, basically you spend lots of time collecting data, then you have to spend lots of time turning that into videos, which you then code on a frame-by-frame basis.  Making videos is scheduled for the beginning of December, in addition to possibly starting coding.  It's also the time for building the next experiment so it's ready to run in January.

Needless to say though, I am now really, really, really looking forward to holidays.  I'll be back in uni from early January before semester starts to get things prepared, but I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks where I can catch up on sleep and not think about work.  It'll be amazing.  

I'll be pretty busy until then, but I promise a much better post for you next time!

10 Tips for a New PhD Student

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked by one of the new PhD students here at Dundee for tips on how to make the most of your first year.  It gave me an idea for a post, which I haven't had time to write until now.  I'll begin with a disclaimer that this is not likely to be the same as conventional advice you get in a handbook or textbook!

So, you're a new PhD student.  First and foremost, congratulations!  You've made it through a strict screening process (either by interview, funding application, degree results or a mixture of all three) and you're now on your way to earning the pinnacle of academic qualification - a doctorate.  Yey!  You're enthusiastic, maybe a bit nervous and wondering where on earth to start.  Well worry not my friend, here's some advice from one PhD student to another on how to negiotiate that first year.

1.  Become familiar with your surroundings

You might be doing your PhD at the university you did your undergraduate or masters at.  It doesn't matter - the landscape as a PhD student is a world away from what you've experienced before.  If you're lucky, you'll have an office, or at least a dedicated workspace.  You might be teaching too.  Get used to the building.  You now have free access - those 'Staff Only' areas?  They're for you now too!  There's nothing worse than feeling like a teenager again getting lost on their first day of school.  Take the time when no one's expecting too much of you to learn your way around.
.

Note that this includes things like: Where's the closest toilet to my office?  Where is the nearest source of coffee?  Where are the technicians and secretaries?  Where is my supervisor's office?  Is there a students-only room?  Where is my lab space?  Don't underestimate the importance of this knowledge!

2.  A pretty office is a happy office is a productive office

I don't know you, but I'm sure you're lovely.  Maybe you're a hardcore 9-5'er, maybe you view your studies in a more holistic sense or maybe you're a deadline adrenaline junkie.  Whoever you are, I can guarantee you that a pretty office is a happy office.  For example, this is my office:

 

Do you know what people say when they come into my office?  They say "Oh my god it's so nice in here!  I feel relaxed already!  This is amazing!  Will you come decorate my office?"

I'm not just trying to show off my office here (though it is lovely, isn't it?), my point is that having an environment where you feel relaxed and calm and happy does no end of good for your wellbeing and productivity.  If your office is grey and bleak and you stare at a blank wall, you're not going to want to be there.  Get creative with lamps, postcards, photos, whatever.  Just make it your own and be happy :)

3.  Bring the technicians and the secretaries cookies

In my School, we have one technician who is like the secret boss.  He allocates offices, he'll help you if you fry your computer or desperately need new equipment and so on.  The secretaries run this place.  They know everything and are absolutely lovely, and know just the right person to talk to if you're having a problem.

Too many people are rude, abrupt or just generally inconsiderate of these staff members.  Do you know what - break that trend and stop it right now.  These people are wonderful and will probably be as much (if not more) help to you as your supervisor.  Be nice, bring cookies or cake, show them how lovely you are.

4.  Go forth and socialise 

That's right, I'm giving you permission to go out there and drink or go for meals or spend your money.  In all seriousness, I know there are a lot of new students who might be shy, in a new city and a bit overwhelmed, you might not have much money and don't know how to break the ice with the existing PhDs and post-docs who seem to have everything sorted.

I'll let you in on a secret: they have nothing sorted.  I promise.

Getting to know your colleagues is one of the most valuable things you can do in your whole time at uni.  Some of them might be in your lab so you might be going to conferences with them, having regular meetings with them or even collaborating with them in the future.  Even if the others aren't in your lab though - these are the people who are going to keep you sane.  They are the people who'll understand what it's like to simultaneously want to kill your PhD and love it.  I can guarantee you that they'll get it much better than a partner, parent or sibling (unless they are also doing/have done a PhD).  

These people will be your friends, your support network.  And if you take the time to get to know them, when you graduate for the last time, you'll be leaving not just with a Dr title, but with some very close friends.  Don't waste the opportunity.

5. Find out what events your School runs

In our department, we have a few things all students at postgraduate level and above, and all staff are free to attend.  These include talks by invited speakers, workshops, internal seminars, postgraduate seminars, pub night (yes, pub night), and various parties.  You should be able to get this information from your supervisor, or if not, try those helpful existing PhD students.

Think of this as an expansion on point four.  These events are opportunities to get to know staff as well as students.  Regardless of where you studied before, I imagine there was always a divide between you and the staff.  Well, they still know more than you, but now they're happy to go for a drink or for coffee with you.  Make friends.  :)

6.  Expect your question to change

If you started your PhD with a particular topic or question in your application, don't expect your final thesis to answer the same one.  (This excludes any PhD students who signed up for a particular project; though your approach will probably evolve over the course of your PhD).

As you learn more, read more, do one experiment that goes horribly wrong, you'll find out what really interests you.  Answer that question instead.  It'll make a better researcher out of you - it happened to me.

7.  WATCH YOUR MONEY!

If you are very lucky, you might be getting paid a stipend to do your PhD.  For example, I'm on a School-funded studentship, for which I do teaching and/or marking, and in return the School pays my fees and gives me a stipend of £13k (tax free) for three years.

If you're anything like me, that sort of money is more than you've ever had in your entire life.  Guess what?  You're not suddenly rich!  I was in a huge amount of debt from working in jobs that didn't even cover my outgoings, never mind food and so on, so I had a maxed out overdraft and two maxed out creditc cards.  Now, I'm in a big amount of debt.  I've got one credit card paid off, but I still have to be careful.  It's so easy to go "YEEEEESSS!!  MONEY!" and blow it all.  I know you'll probably do this at least once, but just be careful, ok?

You can also make use of various benefits being a student has.  If you live in the UK, students do not have to pay council tax.  Get a letter from your Registry that confirms your student status and your start and finish dates, and take that to the council.  They'll refund you anything you've paid, and you won't have to pay for the duration of your study.  You're also eligible for a student account with most of the big banks.  I had a student account with RBS as an undergraduate, which was converted to a graduate account when I finished.  Now I'm a student again, it's back to a student account, and I'll get another two graduate years when I'm done.  That means I'll have had 10 years of an interest free overdraft.  Oh yeah.

Oh, and one other thing - you're now entitled, once again, to the holy grail that is student discount.  USE IT.

8.  When you start collecting papers, save them properly

Ok, so I know this seems quite minor, but trust me, very quickly you're going to have hundreds of PDFs.  Currently, I have 354.  Imagine how awful it'd be to navigate them if they were all saved 0459r5.pdf.  I save each one by author name, publication year, and a couple of key words of what the paper's about.  

You should also definitely consider getting Dropbox.  It's completely free, you can get extra space just by inviting friends, registering your uni email address, adding it to Twitter etc.  It means your papers are all backed up so you shouldn't lose any.  Mine are saved on Dropbox and a portable hard drive.

Look into reference management software like Mendeley (which is free).  You won't be responsible for killing lots of trees, and it even does your referencing for you!  Score.

9.  Do one big piece of work in your first year and aim to make it something publishable

Some schools will require you to do a piece of work in your first year as part of your conversion, which may be either an experimental report or a literature review.  Either way, these are designed to be a draft for (at least) one chapter of your thesis.

Now, I don't want you to worry to much about it, but it is really a valuable thing to do.  Start early, plan well and allow way more time than you think you'll need.  It's only been by doing this that I finally feel confident in my own knowledge and abilities.  Remember, it's not meant to be perfect.  It's a tool to get you started on your career as a researcher.

10.  STOP WORRYING.  YOU ARE DOING FINE, I PROMISE.

If you're not already, there are going to be points during your PhD where you panic uncontrollably that you are not good enough, that you're going to fail, that you've somehow tricked everyone into thinking you're clever and that they're going to kick you out any minute.

Stop it.  Right now.

It is perfectly normal to feel this way.  In fact, it's called Imposter Syndrome.  I will promise you everything I own that every single PhD student has felt this way at least once.  Take a deep breath.  Stop comparing yourself to other people.  You are all brilliant.  One guy might be drafting publications, one girl might have sh*tloads of data already.  IT DOESN'T MATTER.  You're all going to get there.  

You can do this.  If you're stressing out, go talk to your new friends, or your supervisor, your dog or your cat.  Don't bottle it up.  It's ok to worry, but don't let it get in the way - the fact that you're a new PhD student at all means that you've already got all the skills you need to complete the PhD.  You just need to prove it to yourself.

Have faith.  I know you've got this.  Stop panicking.  Go drink some beer with your new pals, eat some chocolate and enjoy the extra money.  You've embarked on one of the best things you'll ever do in your whole life.  I can honestly tell you I'm happier now that I've ever been.  I have a really great group of friends, I'm challenged on a daily basis and I love it all, even the crap bits.  Be open to the experience.  Enjoy it.  You're only going to get to do this once.  (Unless you're a genius who's going to do two PhDs).  Make the most of it.

Good luck!