From under the marking pile

I've been somewhat absent for the last 10 days or so, being under my first pile of marking. Relatively small to some, seemingly huge to me. Marking second year undergraduate work has surprised me with how little I remember of what it is like to be one of them. Before dissertation and final year exams, before working all hours to get PhD applications just so - it's all a blur.

I am having a short break before beginning on my next pile of marking. (And I mean around half an hour, not a couple of days... unfortunately). I think it's necessary to get out of that zone where the world gets tuned out and my brain is reduced to scoring, key phrases and frustration with students' inability to reference.

I'm also writing today though, because the monotony of marking is blanketing out a small but rising panic. I believe I am encountering the first stages of PhD Panic (with touches of imposter syndrome) where the voice in the back of my head vacilates between feelings of inadequacy, inability and sheer stupidity to being overwhelmed with the enormity of a thesis and a PhD project as a whole.

This is something I am aware everyone goes through. My calm, grown-up internal voice is telling me to just be patient and sit with these concerns, that they are a part of the process and trying to block them out will just make them worse anyway. It's early days and I am perhaps being too hard on myself.

So really, this post is about riding the wave. By next time, perhaps I'll be a little less panicky and a bit more under control. I think coloured pens and pencils are required.